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Aliens Vs Black Friday | In The Mall No One Can Hear You Scream

By Rory Witt    |    November 27, 2015

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For many of you right now, pumpkin pie wedge boats navigate past digesting turkey reefs and gravy swept shores of mashed potato. Maybe you have just risen from a nap on the couch, feeling, warm, full, content and well, thankful. But there’s an annoying sensation around your stomach and it’s not from that weird dish your vegan aunt shamed you into trying. Surprise, it’s from your phone vibrating like crazy getting spammed with email alerts from every retailer doing “Never To Be Repeated” Black Friday deals.

"Just 5 more minutes..."
“Just 5 more minutes…”

Suddenly you aren’t feeling so relaxed. Look at all these Black Friday deals! You could do all your Christmas shopping now and save so much cash (If you are lazy and disorganized like me and haven’t done any yet). Worse yet, stock at these prices won’t last.  No. This won’t stand! Decisions will have to be made.

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“Is this going to be another bargain hunt Sir?”

Deep down you know if someone doesn’t rouse the rest of the family from their food induced cryogenic slumber to join your cause, it will no doubt tear the family apart at some point. The misery of losing out on those deals will be too much to bear and you justify to yourself that everyone will be celebrating around a flaming oil drum under a bridge come Christmas.

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Proof Aliens is about Thanksgiving

With military precision you weather your family’s protests. Silencing each one of them by thrusting your phone under their nose, enticing them with a deal for that one thing, you know, in their heart of hearts they truly desire. For a moment, drunk with power you feel like a wish granting genie.

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Sgt Apone is my spirit animal

“ You heard the man, everyone to the mini-van, by the numbers, assholes and elbows let’s go!”

It’s snowing a little harder now but this only strengthens your resolve. You have a mission. After circling the mall’s filled to bursting parking lot, someone spots a park. You ease the mini-van into position and everyone unloads in an excited tumble.

It’s nearly time for the doors to open, hurrying to the entrance you quickly go over your tactics with your troops. The door buster items, which stores to hit first, selecting Uncle Jake’s girth to clear a path while Timmy uses his small size to weave through the crowd. You all nod in agreement on your roles. The swagger and bravado is palpable.

Then you all stop in your tracks. A vast sea of other shoppers just like you and your family between you the doors. Transfixed you watch the doors fly open and the crowd surge forward. Like a turkey fueled mosh-pit, arms and legs flail as people fight their way in. The swarm lurches forward. The adrenaline is flowing.

You look at the horror on your family’s faces “Nope. I cant do this to us, not today.” You mutter to yourself. “This isn’t worth it. Get back in the mini-van!”

Bitter with the glum taste of defeat, the trip home is quiet, but no one questions the decision.

Once back into your cozy couch cocoon you realize you aren’t one of your tree dwelling ancestor’s and something called the internet exists. You rally the troops and give a rousing speech about what this time of year is truly about. Everyone gets assigned a new task, each looking for the cheapest online deal on the products they want, prices are compared, some even better than the door buster enticements. Maybe everyone doesn’t get something just out of the pressure to get something for the sake of a bargain. But in the end, after weighing up the prices online and the different models and features, everyone gets what they need. Delivered straight to the door.

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“Sign up for Amazon Prime to Nuke it from orbit with next day delivery”

With the Black Friday Madness out of the way you all settle in to watch a movie and slip back into your contented thanksgiving bliss.

Happy Thanksgiving to all from  DigiMar!

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